to look for a savior- through my own personal hell.

"these non-caring, egocentric, pathetic excuses for human beings.. i actually am in a pretty good mood right now, but i seem to be writing in a very upset manner.."

                                gotta love my lj community moments.

well.. i spent roughly 4 1/2 hrs tlkng to nicole on the phone- making plans to run away to Georgia n watching the flashing arrow on our computer screens.. this shouldnt come as such a surprise to me concidering that i've known her for 3yrs n am basically now a part of her extended family. but.. i really do appreciate w/e kind of odd, warped frienship we seem to have made in this previous year. the low-emotions, random, casual blahh-ness that makes us who we r. especially tonight.. i hate to admit it, but i miss her. (no- not nicole, she's off the phone now) .. i've been noticing it a lot more now than i want to- but its true. i mean.. how many ppl will call u up at 3:30 in the morning to prove u wrong about being "accessable" and drive u BOTH insane w/pudding and crackers? yet it was still a pretty decent conversation! .. its not just that i miss how alike we where, it's also that i miss what she brought into my life, took away all the pain- and let me just forget.. so i changed my mind- i don't feel okay anymore.. i feel like 1/2 of me is gone forever- the better half. the only half i want present right now! i was stupid.. and i was careless- and i was wrong. so, so wrong.. but i changed, and i learned!! i believe every single thing u screamed into my face that night! and i can hear it re-playing in my mind right now.. how you went from being so calm to just shaking with so much anger- so much hatred. towards me. it hurt so badly to see what i had done- how u had kept it inside for such a long time. but i refused to let you see that. i refused to let it show through, and now there's nothing i want more. there've been so many emails.. so many letters and IM's, even calls that i've started- and cldnt work up the nerve to finish- or in this case even start..  but what does it matter?- they'd never get through. i need to have a million emails in my inbox everyday, a thousand voicemails on my phone, and a hundred tears spared tonight- every night bc of you. but im scared!! .. i cant feel wut u feel- or see wut u see... and i cnt feel u!! but im trying so hard right now to remember, to forget and to be THERE with you!! i'm so afraid u did something.. i'm so afraid you broke your promise and did something.. i dont care if u hate me bc i deserve it, n i admit that! but plz just find a way to let me know that ur still there..  let me through- please just let me come get you!! let me stop w/e is hurting you so badly bc the guilt is killing me- and if it wont do it, then i'll finish it for them!! i promised you.. i promised you and you swore to me this wouldn't happen, and i cant lose you!!- not again. i cant lose anybody again, and i wont let  you do this to me. once was enough, so stop it the crap! stop screwing with my mind!!.. your memory is destroying what little sanity i regained and i'm losing it even more every single time, cant you see that??! dont you care??? i trusted you!! i loved you!!! and you just picked up and left!!  i waited for you you bitch!! and u never showed up!!!- what the hell was i supposed to think?!! i wanted to die and you where my lifeline! my ONLY lifeline!! you are the titles to these entries, my nightmares and my hope all at once.. you are my life- and im still waiting. but i cant do it forever. im not that strong anymore. that was your half.. you can have him- you can have her! you can have whomever or whatever your heart desires and i wont care!! just please.. please dont do this to me. honey please dont let me go..